Avoiding Writing: A Satirical Piece

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Editor’s Note: this post has been written by Steve Papesh, an Education major and Chinese minor at Lewis University. Steve is interning with the Jet Fuel Review this semester and will be contributing blog posts periodically.

Avoiding Writing

Writing assignments can be difficult, especially when given no prompt other than write about something you care about. But wait, what if you simply don’t care about anything? Yes, today’s nihilist receives too little consideration. So, what is one to do if one finds themselves in a position where they are told to write something? The answer is simple: run away. Listed below are my top five methods for avoiding work.

Watch TV– Do you have a TV? Well, why not watch it to take your mind off of the task at hand? “But what if there is nothing good on?” you might say. Don’t worry, if you have access to any amount of booze you can make just about anything interesting, which brings us to option 2.

Get really drunk– Yes, if you can’t even see straight, then how can you possibly be expected to write? This may seem like an unhealthy and short sighted solution, but if you’re still thinking rationally that just means that you haven’t had enough to drink yet. Give this plan some time, and before you know it you won’t care about anything.

Self delusion– This is the most difficult of the plans, but, if you can pull it off, it can be truly effective. All you need to do is make yourself believe that you have already finished writing, and turned in your work. If someone confronts you about it later then that just means there must have been a computer error. Too bad that you didn’t save the document; you sent it in the body of an email. Don’t forget, the most important part of this plan is always remembering that the only person who you need to fool is yourself.

General procrastination– Everyone does it at one point or another. Just keep telling yourself that you have more time to get your work done until it’s too late. After all, if it is too late to do anything, then there’s no sense in worrying about it anymore.

Physically run away– Whether it’s joining the foreign legion, the traveling circus passing through your town, or just going out to buy a pack of cigarettes and never coming back, if you can no longer be found and held accountable for your missing work then congratulations you beat the system. Sure, you will have to leave behind friends, family, and any the material possessions that you can’t carry on your back, but it’s a small price to pay for getting out of the daunting task of picking a topic and then the agonizing process of writing a paper about it.

I hope that this list has been of help to you, and remember if you want to avoid work badly enough all you need to do is be creative. Writing is difficult, but avoiding writing can be a fun and fulfilling creative outlet. Remember, where there is a will to get out of your responsibilities there is a way.

— Steve Papesh

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